So I'm kinda excited about the photo shoot I'm going on in the morning. Barb- my awesome photo teacher- gave us an assignment about "Memory", basically she wants us to shoot one of our memories: how it made us feel, what it reminds us of.... the memory in the abstract you could say. I decided to do it on my Grandmother and her death, and its impact on me.

My Grandma committed suicide two years ago.

I cannot tell you how much that impacted me and how it is still impacting me. When my Dad told me, the breath knocked straight out of my lungs. For some reason I had NEVER considered the idea that someone who was old would commit suicide, I don't know why, but the thought hadn't ever entered my mind. That was why it was such a shock I think. And to have it be my Grandma... I couldn't even grasp the concept. I was hurt and shocked and angry and heart-broken. Granted, and this is my disclaimer for any of my family who may read this, she might have actually been herself when it happened, nevertheless, for the sake of my emotion, it still traumatized me deeply.

And it was so premeditated! She did it when we were all at her family reunion. She bascially walked a few blocks away, took off her glasses and shoes, folded her clothes in a little pile, and walked into a canal. They didn't find her body til days later.

It's horrible because the images still flash in my mind even though I was not there to personally witness any of it.

Even more than that, the uncontrollable emotions that come with remembering her death. I did a huge semester long research project on suicide because of this. It helped some. But I realized the other day when I was considering what to do for my project that I still haven't fully forgiven her and I still hurt. Nate helped me realize that I really express my emotions through my art, and along with Barb's past lessons, I realized that art may bring me more healing.

Anyway, what I am doing for my project: I'm going up a canyon with "masquerade" type masks. I want to shoot pics with rock slides (very small scale gravel stuff, no worries) and dead leaves and perhaps angry water or leaves being thrown into the air all with the mask. All for different emotional concepts: the rock slide for the impact her choice has had and continues to have on my life now, the dead leaves for obvious reasons, angry water: also obvious. The mask is to symbolize her- I think one of the reasons I am so angry is because I never really got the chance to get to know her as anyone besides my grandma. Maybe that is another reason her suicide got to me, because I hadn't realized that she was a "person" too, with grief, struggles, sorrows, fears. Also, I had just gotten to the age where I was beginning to appreciate that, and wanting to be closer to her, to know her, to be able to spend time with her; yet that was all taken away from me. So I guess we'll see what all comes out of this shoot in the morning.

For Jana

So I love finally taking photo classes again! I'm learning so much and my teacher is AMAZING! There are so many things that never made sense to me before that do now. And it's totally helping my pictures. I also love the assignments she's giving us: one was Urban Streets- I couldn't make it to SLC, but I went to Lehi early in the morning because I really like some of the old buildings there. My shots turned out great! It's really cool the things you start to see when you really begin looking. I found a really great old door with a very odd peeling paint w/ type handle, and a stone lion in the middle of a city block, just randomly guarding the sidewalk.... pretty cool.